Efficacious

I am tired of being good.

I've made myself more stressed, more tired, and more unhappy by being good at what I do. I expected the opposite. I expected that if I were to excel at what I do, be efficient, and finish early, I would make my life easier. That's what they teach us in school. Get your homework done soon so you can go out and play. Get your papers done early so you won't have to do everything the night before. Don't go to exams drunk so you can focus.

And I, stupidly assuming I was a lazy kid, tried to do that. I got projects done on time. I broke done papers into steps. I even tried to study for the first time in my life in college. I tried to metamorphasize from a Type-B caterpillar to a Type-A butterfly. I did my best.

What I have learned is that acheivement in life is not really marked as easily as a chemistry test. There are no A's in the workplace. There are no gold stars on your passions. There is only up. Up. Only Up. No way to know how you are doing, expect for paying your bills and getting a decent meal every now and then.

So, becoming a multi-tasker, fixing problems, and finishing early only show that you work at a frenetic pace. You get things done fast. You're giving your all every day to be the best. So, when it's time to step up and give more, you have very little left to give. You don't have anymore energy, just time.

I've been sleeping terribly, because I still feel the need to come home and do a lot of personal work. I stay up late trying to get as much in as I can.

You may notice this one is late. Well, there you go. I did my best.