Clarion

I sometimes wonder if I am anxiety-ridden or prone to a nervous attack. It's possible.

I'm very jumpy. Every time I heard a loud sound I'm expecting, or get a little bit startled, I perk up or even scramble into the fight or flight position. I wish I knew why. Most of my weird neuroses I can track down to some event in my life. For instance, I am uneasy on bridges because when the Memorial Bridge opened back home in Quincy, my dad looked over the side with me on his shoulders. I was probably in preschool at the time, so maybe my superego has exagerated the experience to tell me that bridges and heights are not safe. Loud noises, though, I cannot pinpoint. Maybe it goes back before memory and just being afraid of some unexplained sensation. Maybe one of the first experiences I had of pain was accompanied by a sudden auditory attack. Maybe I'm afraid that whenever I hear some loud noise, it means a werewolf is popping out to attack me and eat me alive. I would say it was thunder, but I like thunderstorms.

Whatever the reason, it is not something that will go away. Having to work on Manhattan's illustrious 8th Avenue (Which should be renamed "Ugly People Arguing Avenue"), I am often subjected to the frequent police siren, a loud truck, or some fire drill going on in a nearby building. More often than not, I have to stop what I am doing and put my head on a swivel to make sure I am not going to die. You hear that!? I am not going down like a chump!

I really hope that it doesn't lead to some sort of anxiety attack. I don't want to end up in some sound-proof room regaining my wits chemically while some nurses assure me that all the precautions are in my best interest. I really don't want to end up crazy. I don't want to be crazy. I'm not crazy. I'm not crazy.

I'm not.

Seriously.

I'm not.



What was that?